Headlines | Cost of Living Crisis Hits Bankers

UK | Business | Dumblebore | 18 September 2022

Chancellor may scrap cap on banker bonuses

While energy prices are to be capped and the EU is trying to cap the price of Russian oil and gas imports, it is now the turn of bankers to tighten their belts in cost-of-living-crisis Britain.

This is because the Chancellor is expected to drop the cap on banker bonuses in order to make the city more competitive (financial code for lucrative).

A more 'competitive' City means that City insiders earn more money and the Chancellor is guaranteed a plum job when he is kicked out of office to ensure he too earns 'loadsamoney' in the future. The geniuses that run the banking sector, whose last great achievement was the 2008 crash, could now be looking forward to eyewatering bonuses while everyone else is huddled in front of their electricity pre-payment meter.

Wolf of Wall Street Jordan Belfort had this to say:

Bankers like to deal with problems by becoming rich. Anyway...how are they going to buy cocaine and hookers without bonuses?

Australian finance expert Bill "Big-Short" Heslop commented:

Bonuses are like boomerangs - if you don't watch out they return to bite you (the bonus-giver that is). Which is just a fancy way to say you poms are all fucked! Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinny. I'm parched.

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