Headlines | Avoid A&E Lines

UK | Health | NHS | 21 September 2022

New advice from the NHS


There is new advice from the UK's NHS on how to avoid longs waits at A&E: Die.

FNN has learned that NHS 111 operators have received a new script to cover the new advice that goes something like this:

111: Hullo Lovely. This is NHS 111. How can we help you?

Patient: I think I need A&E. My thigh bone is no longer connected to my knee bone.

111: But is your knee bone connected to your shin bone?

Patient: Yes. But there is blood everywhere. And even my Flash microfiber speed mop powered by Brian Blessed can't clean it up.

111: OK. Keep calm. Even Flash Speed mops can't handle everything. So can you please try keeping stationary until you die.

That way we relieve the pressure on A&E and you won't have to wait in a 6-8 hour line for treatment and 'be kind' to everybody while you expire on a gurney in the corridor.

Patient: OK. Thanks. That makes perfect sense. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone.

111: Aw Bless. Thank you for helping the NHS. And if you have time before you expire, please answer the feedback survey at the end of this call. Cheerio and good luck!

An advert for Amazon Wake Services (AWS) - including pickup of body, cremation and drone dispersal of your ashes at a location of your choice - follows the end of the call.


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